'Buying' a celebrity Twitter follower may raise money for Comic Relief, but isn't there a less sycophantic way to give to charity?
I'm not a heartless cynic, honestly I'm not. Although I'm not a "big society" believer, I believe in contributing to charity, not just financially but with your time. I've liveblogged charity telethons for this very website and invariably end up sobbing at the little videos they put in between newsreaders performing songs from the shows and politicians performing comedy skits. And I love Twitter. I can't remember what I did without it. I'm one of the people who panics when the Fail Whale makes its ominous presence known.
However, I can't help but find Twitrelief eminently depressing. It's Comic Relief's new wheeze to raise money ? they're auctioning off the opportunity to have a celebrity follow one of us plebs! Yes, for the princely sum of �720 (at the time of typing), writer and director Richard Curtis will join Twitter just to follow the winning bidder! Well, to an extent. You'll pay the cash, he'll follow you for 90 days, he'll retweet one of your 140-character musings, he'll send out a message using your username, and that'll be it. Still, for a little while Richard Curtis will have known you're alive. Not a fan of film? Then maybe you'd like to fork out �60 (at the time of typing) and Mary Byrne, aka Tesco Mary from the X Factor, will provide the same service. So for just a few hundred pounds you can pay for a celebrity to use a free social networking site.
I'm not the only one who feels uncomfortable about this campaign ? Twitter reaction has been mixed. Robert Llewellyn, the actor best known as Kryten in Red Dwarf, tweeted: "I am seeing very mixed reactions to the #twitrelief thing. Some good, some, as I expected, a little shirty." Emma Freud, Red Nose Day's director, advised him: "Block the shirty ones. I'm not hearing anyone from our projects complaining ? and that's the only point."
Sure, charity auctions are a time-honoured way of raising money for good causes; and Freud is perfectly entitled to feel that the ends justify the means. And unsurprisingly, the celebrities involved have got very defensive about it, pointing to all the additional benefits of bidding for a "super-follow", which some are offering ? they won't just follow you for three months, oh no. Miranda Hart, for example, will send you a signed script from her sitcom; Nick Frost will ring you for a whole five minutes' worth of chat; and Christian O'Connell will invite you to his radio show.
But the celebrity friendship angle is what makes me feel uneasy about this particular campaign. Comic Relief is even employing the line "[name of celebrity] will become your Twitter best friend!" in its publicity. How disingenuous. No, they won't. They'll be barely aware of your existence; they don't want to be your friend; if they wanted to engage with you and the rest of their fans they can do so on Twitter at any time without auctioning off the grand prize of their time and attention. But hey, at least this way they can brag among themselves about who got the highest bid from a "civilian" who wants to be their chum.
And you ? yes, you, ordinary wage-slave you ? are shunting loads of money Comic Relief's way in a desperate attempt to get some kind of recognition and engagement from your favourite stars ? the ones on telly who are significantly richer than us. You know, you could just donate that cash anyway without getting a tweet from a famous person who really doesn't care about you ? but then perhaps it doesn't count unless you get the stamp of approval from a celebrity. Yes, the money will go to good causes. But isn't there a better, less sycophantic, more equitable way to raise cash?
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