This one's for you, George Michael
You may be the genius behind Fastlove but, George Michael, as recent weeks have demonstrated, a technophile you are not. When you first joined Twitter, the keyboards of the Twitterati started clacking excitedly in anticipation. We expected tweets of Pepsi and Shirley bitchfights, details on how you always keep your stubble at just the right length and we never did hear the whole "When Geri Halliwell went through your bin" saga from your side.
Unfortunately we got this:
"I'm just too last to write twitterers"
"Meant lazy . . ."
Then some of this:
"Impressive retreating people"
"That damn spellcheck, retweeting"
And worst of all: LOTS OF THIS
"iTunes cart?"
"Or chart even?"
So on the anniversary of the very first tweet (sent five years ago today), here are some dos and don'ts of the Twitter world. YOU are George Michael. I know you could be doing better.
Make friends with the @ symbol
Replying seems to be a problem for you. Exhibit A ? Your response to Spandau Ballet's Martin Kemp last week:
"Thank you Martin . . . what's all this I hear about Shirlies turkey dinner . . ."
This is terrible, George. It could be to Martin Sheen. Or my friend Martin with whom I used to work.
You need to send replies TO the person you are tweeting:
"@realmartinkemp Thank you Martin . . . what's all this I hear about Shirlies turkey dinner . . ."
Also, what is this about Shirley's turkey dinner, George? The world needs to know.
Don't be afraid to be a STAR
You're totally rich and famous. Own it. A prime example of someone who isn't afraid of his celeb status is Kanye West. Tweets like "Fur pillows are hard to actually sleep on" and "I specifically ordered Persian rugs with cherub imagery!!! What do I have to do to get a simple Persian rug with cherub imagery uuuuugh" give us an insight into what it is to be Kanye. Let us know what makes George Michael tick because "My dentist cancelled, poor man has a cold!" is just not doing it at the moment.
Conduct your personal life in front of thousands of people
One of the greatest thrills to be had on Twitter is watching the shenanigans of Shane Warne and Elizabeth Hurley. One minute they are flirting over her pet parrot, the next it's all "Remember, love is like a rollercoaster ride- sometimes it's exhilarating but sometimes u feel sick and want to get off". Get involved, George.
Don't talk about the iTunes chart all day
Although True Faith is a fine record and everyone should buy it because it's for Comic Relief and one download could probably save eight children, etc, etc, asking what your position on the iTunes chart is over and over is not good Twitter, dude. Your record company will know that kind of stuff. Ask them instead.
Embrace the hashtag
(No, not that kind of hashtag, George). A hashtag is a way for people to search for tweets with a common topic. I'm talking about "Snappy Snaps", so if I end my tweet "#snappysnaps" it will be grouped with other Snappy Snaps tweets. Clever eh?
Finally, people to follow
Start making some Twitter friends. Martin Kemp and Boy George are a good start, but Toby Anstis? It's not 1993. Get with the funtimes!
@tonyblackburn ? the man knows good pop.
@elizabethhurley ? for reasons previously discussed.
@heatherofficial ? Heather Mills. She's developing a vegan steak. She'd be a right laugh.
Go get 'em tiger.
@scouserachel
melissa etheridge and tammy lynn michaels chelsea handler and ted harbert halle berry and gabriel aubry charlize theron and stuart townsend susan sarandon and tim robbins
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