Celebrities including Kym Marsh and Kerry Katona have turned to the perky life coaches for help
Lost in Showbiz knows it may be difficult to believe, in a week where John Travolta's wife claimed their four-month-old baby could play the piano and Katie Price announced she'd already spent �37,000 this year on hairdressing, but occasionally it feels celebrities may be less intriguing than the people around them. It gazes upon the story that Mariah Carey has prepared for the imminent arrival of her forthcoming twins by hiring a psychiatrist for her Jack Russell terrier and thinks: let's hear a little bit more about the dog-shrink. What's his personal philosophy of canine psychology? Freudian? Jungian? Or the more straightforward "there seems to be one with (a) more money then sense and (b) a Jack Russell born every minute"?
So imagine the delight when Lost In Showbiz chanced upon Inspirational Life Coaches Nik and Eva Speakman, self-styled champions of the Life Is Fantastic philosophy and subject of four eye-popping pages of editorial in this week's OK! magazine. The accompanying photos of the couple seemed to give the lie to their Life Is Fantastic philosophy ? indeed, they almost immediately made LiS wonder if Life was actually Worth Living ? but who can argue with their success record? They have cured Kym Marsh of a fear of motorway driving by regressing her to her past after enticing her to drive around Lancashire in a DeLorean sports car like the one in Back To The Future. They claim to have re-programmed the brain of 2009 Apprentice contestant Ben Clarke ? he of the shrill Ulster accent and the scholarship to Sandhurst ? alas only to conquer his fear of spiders, rather than the potentially more useful function of stopping him being the kind of unspeakable div who goes on national television and says "to me, making money is better than sex", before slapping his buttocks in the apparent belief this presents an unmatchable inducement to purchase gym equipment. Nik cured a man of a phobia of urinals by making up a song about urinals and singing it to him: he's Urinal Ritchie! And they have treated Kerry Katona for bipolar disorder, by introducing unorthodox treatments that include "crazy games", "mad music', and dressing up as Father Christmas and manipulating a skeleton called Mr Bones. This was understandably a controversial move, but to the naysayers, Eva has the perfect riposte. "Back in the 50s, it was believed that it was impossible to run a mile in under four minutes. Then Sir Roger Bannister came along and did it. That year, a further five people did it as well and that was all because Roger proved it was possible. We are pioneers in what we do and we want to be like Roger Bannister."
By now, LiS wanted to be like Roger Bannister too, in the sense that it was gripped by the urge to run as fast as humanly possible to somewhere Nik and Eva weren't, but something about them exerted a curious fascination. Perhaps it was the news that they "energise all their employees by making them do the Is This the Way to Amarillo? dance in the car park every Monday morning". Perhaps it's their claim they wake up every day "feeling 20 out of 10" as a result of making a Wow List before bed. "It's a list of the Wow things, the great things in our life and ensures we go to bed happy and positive and wake up with a smile in the morning," chief among which is presumably "we live in a �2.45m mansion and own a fleet of supercars on the basis of dressing up like Father Christmas and singing songs about urinals."
LiS can only offer thanks that it hung around to get the benefit of the Speakmans' indispensable advice. It now firmly believes Life Is Fantastic, and refuses to countenance anything to the contrary, up to and including the news that the Speakmans also treated Big Brother's Nadia Almada, who subsequently tried to kill herself, having presumably forgotten to write her Wow List the night before.
"You need to make plans and things will come to you. One of our clients wanted to go up in a hot-air balloon but didn't know how to go about it. He wrote his goals down and then soon after ? apparently coincidentally ? he heard of a hot-air balloon session going on near where he lives." LiS notes the carping voices that suggest he could have saved a lot of time and, presumably, payments to the Speakmans by the simple expedient of typing "hot-air balloon" into Google and says: how dare you besmirch the incredible powers of the Life Is Fantastic philosophy?
"Don't diet. Diets are restrictive and make you food-obsessed." Instead, they told Kerry Katona to cut out all sugary and fatty foods six days a week. Again, LiS notes the carping voices claiming that sounds exactly like a diet to them, and says: perhaps you need a few minutes in the company of Mr Bones to cure your terrible negativity. To everyone else, it says: let the "mad music" and "crazy games" begin! Let's crack open the Santa costumes and start feeling 20 out of 10! Who's coming to the car park for an energising Is This the Way to Amarillo dance?
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