In Jamie Oliver's new television show, Dream School, a panel of high-achieving celebrities aims to inspire 20 unqualified school leavers to give education a second chance. This is how some of the team's own reports might have looked
1 ALASTAIR CAMPBELL C?
I regret to say that Alastair is one of our more difficult students. He appears to have trouble differentiating between right and wrong, and his insistence that the ends always justify the means will get him into trouble later in life. His coursework also gives great cause for concern: plagiarising large extracts of another boy's work and passing them off as his own is totally unacceptable and will make him wholly unsuitable for any job requiring integrity. He also has what can only be described as anger management problems, and is inclined to try to bully and intimidate staff if he doesn't get his own way.
2 DAVID STARKEY B+
No one could ever call David one of life's shy and retiring types, and his arrival at school each day in a chauffeur-driven Rolls-Royce causes much comment and envy among the other boys ? attention which I rather think he enjoys too much. He is a natural contrarian and it can be hard to distinguish what ? if anything ? he really believes in. David has made a useful contribution to the Gay Soc, but it would help if he could be a little less dismissive of the girls ? not that there are many. Accusing women of unnecessarily feminising history is unduly provocative. He would benefit from some diversity training: referring to Wales, Ireland and Scotland as "feeble little countries" does little to help the school's multicultural ethos.
3 SIMON CALLOW B
You never have to wonder where Simon is: you hear his voice booming down the corridor long before his considerable physical presence enters the classroom! He has long been a mainstay of the Amateur Dramatic Society, and his Juliet is still remembered by all who saw it. If I have a criticism, it is that he would do well to remember that not every play is a monologue, and sometimes other actors should be allowed near the centre of the stage. His academic work suffers from a similar egotism. Entertaining as it is to hear Simon's views on every subject, less use of the word "I" in his essays would ensure better GCSE grades.
4 DALEY THOMPSON B
No one can doubt Daley's physical ability, and he is without question the best all-round athlete the school has ever produced, though he has not endeared himself to others in his PE class by asking the teacher to make them all train twice on Christmas Day. It is Daley's attitude away from the games field that worries me. There is no greater honour the school can bestow than to ask a student to carry the school flag on founder's day, and for Daley to refuse as "he felt a bit tired" was a bitter blow to morale. It was also extremely distressing to hear him whistling through the school song, and it was neither funny nor clever for him to swear on speech day. I expect a huge improvement in these areas.
5 CHERIE BLAIR C+
Despite being one of our more academically gifted pupils, Cherie is surprisingly emotionally insecure. She is prone to falling in with the wrong crowd, who have led her astray by encouraging her to dabble in alternative therapies, and to help herself to new clothes that were intended for the school jumble sale. However, it is her relationship with one of the school's most delusional students that may be her real downfall, especially as she forgot to take ? as she quaintly put it: "her contraceptive equipment" on the school trip to Balmoral. I fear for her stability if this liaison is sustained.
6 TINCHY STRYDER B
The school has always prided itself on its inclusivity. We don't expect every student to achieve academic excellence; rather we offer a rounded vocational education that allows everyone to fulfil their potential in any chosen field. So I am pleased that Kwasi Danquah ? or Tinchy as he now calls himself ? has taken a passionate interest in music. You should have seen the look on everyone's faces at the school concert when the orchestra's rendition of The Blue Danube was followed by some of Kwasi's more eccentric beats. I couldn't understand everything he was singing ? if you can call it that ? but he certainly rocked! We wish him all the best in his chosen career.
7 ROBERT WINSTON B+
For the fifth year running, Robert has won the science prize, and our head of genetics, Mr Dawkins, has just resigned in a huff, saying he can't teach Robert anything ? least of all the pointlessness of religion. During his time at this school, Robert has been responsible for some remarkable achievements ? the bursar, Mrs Antrobus (58), is especially pleased with Robert's help in the conception of her child ? but at times, his enthusiasm for experimentation, particularly his kidney transplant during double biology on a Friday afternoon, was misguided. Thankfully, both Butler twins survived the ordeal and are recovering well ? which is more than the rest of us are, having listened to his saxophone playing. On a lighter note, we would like to say how pleased we are that Robert has given up his student leftie leanings and accepted the position of honorary unelected prefect.
8 DOMINIC WEST C+
I must confess that Dominic remains something of an enigma to me. Despite his coming from one of Britain's finest families ? I note he is also going out with an aristocrat ? I have never been able to understand a word he says, as he chooses to mumble in some Baltimore vernacular. It would be very helpful if next term he could invest in his own personal interactive whiteboard that delivers subtitles, so the rest of us can follow what he is saying.
Absent from the picture:
ELLEN MACARTHUR B?
During the weeks that Ellen is actually in school, she works hard and has generally been a very positive role model for the other students. However, she is not the most sociable of girls and is usually to be found playing on her own near the boating lake. Her academic work has not been best served by prolonged unauthorised geography field trips, during which she remains largely out of contact. Next term she might benefit from wearing a GPS tracking device and making more effort to take part in some extra-curricular activities.
ROLF HARRIS B?
Rolf is one of life's enthusiasts; but he can take that too far at times, and he tends to be a "Jack of all trades and master of none". His art shows a little promise ? his portrait of the headmistress was commended for effort ? though it does tend towards the safe and derivative, while his interruptions to the school talent show to play the didgeridoo were very annoying to one and all. I also feel his rendition of Two Little Boys was highly inappropriate in these more politically correct times. Rolf would benefit from taking more of a back seat in class, and focusing on?where his talents ? if any ? really lie.
RANKIN B?
John has taken some very nice snaps for the Photography Society this term, some of which have been featured in the school magazine. However, I feel he has become rather too fixated on what we at the school call "The Cult of Celebrity", as his photographs have increasingly featured some of the more attractive sixth-formers in states of undress. John would do well to work on his landscapes next term: there are some nice trees by the games field that photograph well in the spring. I am also concerned that John is taking himself a bit too seriously; John Waddell is a perfectly good name and to answer only to the name Rankin makes him a laughing stock among the other boys. If Nelson Mandela didn't need to change his name, then neither does John!
sandra bullock and jesse james melissa etheridge and tammy lynn michaels chelsea handler and ted harbert halle berry and gabriel aubry charlize theron and stuart townsend
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