And God created Justin Bieber, to bring light and inspiration to the world. And he's been busy telling us mortals where we're going wrong
This week, Lost in Showbiz wants to take you back to the 70s, and leave you there. Let us roll back the years to a halcyon era of music journalism, when your average interview was predicated on the steadfast belief that every rock star of a certain standing had been blessed not merely with the ability to sing or play guitar but the secrets of the universe. So it was that journalists would be ushered into their presence in order to earnestly press them for their opinions on the future of humanity, the meaning of life and the most vital issues of the day.
Lost in Showbiz has long hankered after those days ? how much more entertaining would the recent round of Beady Eye interviews have been had only someone thought to press Liam Gallagher for his opinions on the veracity or otherwise of the Consumer Price Index's ability to accurately measure inflation? ? so it is delighted to announce their return. Not just for any pop star, but one visibly qualified to answer questions of great philosophical and socio-political import. Lost in Showbiz is certain that you too find yourself unable to gaze upon Justin Bieber without automatically thinking: there's a young man who certainly looks like he knows his way around the political situation in south-east Asia.
Lost in Showbiz first noted the 16-year-old was a pop star of a rare stripe last month, when it encountered a gushing profile in a US magazine. "He's got the hot face. Yes I put the face first ? that's crazy, right?" explained the man who signed him, LA Reid, thus setting Bieber apart from the serried ranks of weenybop idols signed for their almost unearthly dexterity on a variety of musical instruments and ability to write thought-provoking lyrics that reveal universal truths about human existence: Limahl, H from Steps, Little Jimmy Osmond.
Its interest was piqued to levels of feverish enthusiasm, nay fanaticism, by a quote from Bieber's mother, who is apparently convinced she and her son were personally selected by God "to bring light and inspiration to the world". This may seem to amount to a certain scaling-down of ambition on the part of God, who previously opted to bring light and inspiration to the world by sending His only son to minister among us, heal lepers, walk on water, raise the dead etc, rather than, say, performing tepid R&B-influenced pop and having a "trademark haircut", but you've got to move with the times: it's Cowell's world now! You start bringing everybody down with the whole leprosy thing, you're asking to get buzzed off. And besides, Bieber has an array of miraculous powers entirely of his own, enthusiastically detailed by the writer: "He can break dance and do 'the Dougie' . . . he can solve a Rubik's Cube in less than two minutes . . . this is not your typical teen idol." The Dougie and the Rubik's Cube, you say? It's a sign! A sign! Stitch that, Dawkins! No wonder they call them Beliebers! Count Lost in Showbiz in!
Head still reeling from news of the Miracle of the Rubik's Cube, Lost in Showbiz turns its attention to the latest issue of Rolling Stone magazine. There, quite understandably, the Bringer of Light and Inspiration Via the Medium of Tepid R&B-Influenced Pop ? or, as we Beliebers refer to him, the BOLAIVTMOTRNBIP for short ? is quizzed on matters of great import. He responds with an understanding and knowledge far beyond his years: the one thing he most definitely doesn't sound like is a 16-year-old who hasn't got a clue what he's on about. On drugs, he offers a parable. "Are you curious about cutting off your finger? Do you want to know what that feels like?" No, not enormously, but carry on. "To me, taking drugs is the same type of thing." On abortion, the BOLAIVTMOTRNBIP's survey says "Uhh-urrrr", even in a case of rape: "I think that's really sad, but everything happens for a reason."
But he saves his greatest wisdom for the subject of politics. "I'm not sure about parties, but whatever they have in Korea, that's bad," he offers, coming down at a stroke against both a Stalinist totalitarian dictatorship and a fully functioning democracy. Perhaps he's a Chomskyan anarcho-syndicalist, which would certainly explain his hit single One Less Lonely Girl Under a Federated, Decentralised System of Free Associations Incorporating Economic as Well as Other Socialist Institutions.
Perhaps the BOLAIVTMOTRNBIP just doesn't like Koreans, full stop. At risk of sounding like a Bieber fundamentalist, Lost in Showbiz calls upon its fellow Beliebers to organise a complete boycott of everything Korean, just to be on the safe side. No more taekwondo for you! The Bringer of Light and Inspiration Via the Medium of Tepid R&B-Influenced Pop has spoken!
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