If there's one thing Sam Delaney learned when he was editor of the gossip magazine, it's that all of us ? even Radio 4 listeners ? love a juicy celebrity story. He also learned a few things about celebrities themselves?
About two years ago I was offered the chance to edit Heat, the UK's most famous celebrity gossip magazine. I had always loved it because it was funny and never seemed to take itself, or its subject matter, too seriously. I didn't know much about showbiz journalism, but I knew loads about not taking things seriously, so I accepted.
My attitude to the celebrity world was conciliatory: I vowed to be enthusiastic, but never fawning; teasing, but never spiteful. I figured celebrities really weren't that different from anyone else trying to make a living: just as an ordinary builder gets up every day, puts on his tool belt and goes out to build a wall or something, so Cheryl Cole gets up, does her hair all nice, then goes and sings a song on the telly. Who are we, the dreary normals in the street, to judge them?
With this in mind, I addressed the Heat editorial team on my first day. Holding out my hands to the 30 or so staff, and smiling in a way that I hoped might seem humble yet inspiring, I said: "I mean, let's remember, famous people are just human beings like the rest of us, right?"
I'll be honest, they seemed a bit bemused. A few actually laughed. That's because they were some of the most experienced and talented journos in the game, who rightly saw me as some sort of Forrest Gump figure who had just stumbled into a dark and complex world that he clearly didn't understand. During my subsequent 15 months at the helm, I learned just about enough to realise how little I had known in the first place. Here is just some of the stuff I picked up along the way.
1. Everybody loves gossip
Sometimes I am asked to go and speak to a room full of strangers about "celebrity culture". Often, there will be a handful of snobby types in the room who are keen to tell me how they are far too busy listening to Radio 4's In Our Time or whatever to have any interest in the tawdry business of showbiz tittle-tattle. Then I hit them with this story about a female TV personality ? now one of the most famous faces in the country ? whose first onscreen job for a regional news team was to fly abroad to interview a much-lauded war hero. She got her scoop with the square-jawed family guy, then swept him off to a hotel room for a weekend of secret hanky-panky.
A month later, her sexy soldier turned up unannounced at her office in the UK, explaining that he had dumped his wife and kids and wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. She explained that all that stuff about spending the rest of their lives together in rainy England had just been daft pillow talk and that he had better go home and patch things up with his family.
Why do I tell them this story? Because I want to see the snobs beg me for the identity of the TV presenter in question, which they always do. They're desperate for a name, clucking for it. And so are you, aren't you? Will I tell you? Of course not (that presenter has already tried to sue me once, for a much smaller revelation). The point is, everyone loves gossip ? those who say they don't are just lying (incidentally, they're also lying about loving In Our Time which, as anyone knows, is well boring).
2. Most celebs have a price (and it's often less than half what you think it would be)
Example: I once approached a world-famous Hollywood starlet for a tell-all interview about her alleged drug problem. "How dare you even think about approaching my client after all the NEGATIVITY and LIES your TRASHY magazine has published about her in the past," responded her legendarily overzealous publicist via email from LA. "However, if compensation can be arranged in the region of $40,000 [�29,500] then I'm sure I could make this happen for you."
Within a week, she was spilling her guts to our "trashy" magazine for way under half that sum.
3. Celebs constantly fall foul of technology
Many stars struggle to get to grips with the idea of social media being public. Like the boyband member who spent weeks trying to seduce a high-profile reality star via her Facebook wall, then acted all embarrassed and indignant when the story was picked up in the press. Of course, he told his publicist the Facebook account in his name was a fake (young stars often lie to their fearsome publicists with whom they have a sort of naughty schoolchild/ terrifying deputy head-like dynamic).
Last year, I was sent a phone image of a rapper, naked but for his trademark woolly hat, sprawled out on a conquest's bed in gentle, postcoital sleep. It was posted on the internet, but our lawyers told me that publishing it might incur the full wrath of the singer's legal team. Understandable really ? no one wants to be exposed for wearing novelty headwear in the sack, do they?
4. Celebs are easy prey for lawyers
Hiring a lawyer and trying to sue someone (anyone) for something (anything!) is like a rite of passage for a young celebrity on the up. It's what you do once you've got a few quid in the bank and have started to take yourself a bit seriously. One TV personality, for instance, decided to complain (at great expense to herself) about an article that had generally praised her magnificent beauty, talent and charisma. But the celeb (who really is beautiful, talented and charismatic) had detected a negative "subtext" in the piece and demanded an apology. She didn't get an apology, but what she probably did get was a huge bill from the lawyer who wrote the letter of complaint.
5. New boybands will do almost anything for publicity
Seriously. Once, a band called Inju5tice got a train all the way from Northampton just to have their photo taken with Beefy, the Heat office's cat.
6. Keep your home life and celebrities separate
Because the celebrity world can be an ugly and terrifying place. Last January, I had a weekend daddy-daughter trip to the supermarket hijacked by a call from Heidi Fleiss, fresh from the Celebrity Big Brother house, who wanted a cash advance for the exclusive interview she had agreed to do. Walking your two-year-old into a West End hotel room to hand the world's most infamous sex-worker a brown envelope stuffed with cash really makes you reassess your work-life balance.
7. Celebs never do what you need them to do
Last spring, I confidently splashed Cheryl Cole on the cover with the headline "I Just Can't Let Go ? The shocking truth about Ashley's hold over Cheryl". On the day it hit the newsstands, Cheryl issued a statement saying she had split with Ashley Cole. I'm not saying she dumped him just to spite me, but you have to admit it was a bit of a coincidence. I'd just spent 200 quid getting badges made with Ashley's face on for our immediately redundant "Dump The Chump" campaign as well.
Things reached a new nadir a few weeks later when we ran a story claiming we had scientific evidence that Mark Owen was the last adult male in Britain who wasn't love-ratting. A day later, he confessed to cheating on his wife with 10 different women. Later, he admitted he'd been both "a knobhead and a dickhead". I knew how he felt.
8. Celebs set up their own paparazzi 'stings'?
. . . then split the proceeds with the pap. Mind you, if there was an appetite out there for you in a slightly stilted and uncomfortable beachside pose, wouldn't you feel entitled to some of the proceeds? Exactly.
9. Nice hair goes a long way
Look at Dannii Minogue: once vilified as a useless and undeserving spare part on The X Factor judging panel, now the most popular figure on the show due almost solely to a seemingly never ending succession of dos that combine body and shine with relentlessly innovative styling. In the final analysis, the hair's always the thing.
10. There's nothing more thrilling in life than seeing a celebrity in a mundane public place
Daniel Craig in Robert Dyas. Beyonc� in Topshop. Adrian Chiles at Heston services. No matter what global showbiz exclusives it breaks on the front page, Heat's "spotted" page remains its most popular element. Readers call the Heat office, claiming to have spotted celebs in the wild every single day.
Of course, we couldn't physically verify every sighting so would usually rely on journalistic instinct. When a gentleman claimed the actor who plays Corrie's Sally Webster had been racist towards him in a chippy in the Lake District, we dismissed it for the nonsense it clearly was. But when someone else said they had seen Sunshine from Big Brother 11 in the cinema on a Tuesday afternoon, we decided to publish and be damned. Sunshine later threatened to sue for libel (see point 4, above).
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