Come on Joan, let's have more barbed words and blackmail
I owe you big time, Joan Collins (@joancollinsobe). As first lady of 1980s soap bitchery, you taught me countless life lessons during my formative years. One example: how to keep a level head if my long-lost son, who was kidnapped as a baby, turned up as an adult and plotted to kill my ex son-in-law by decorating his office with toxic lead paint.
So when you announced your arrival on Twitter with "This IS me . . . aka Alexis! Stay tuned!" I punched the air, dusted off my gold lam� evening dress and waited expectantly.
Seven months later, I'm still waiting. Where are the bitch fights, Joan? Where are the blackmail plots? In their place have been gripes about bankers' bonuses ("These multimillion �� bankers bonuses in UK r an absolute aberration with petrol prices rising, what a government ") and roadtrips to see Celine Dion ("On way to Las Vegas wheeee!!").
You are Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowen, for goodness sake. You should rule Twitter. Here's how to make that happen.
Find your nemesis
Your tweets are too polite, Joanie. Whether you are praising your sister Jackie (@jackiejcollins) on her latest book ("Congrats 2 Sis Jackie on success of Goddess Of Vengence") or complimenting A-list stars on their youthful appearance ("Saw Tom Cruise at Kennedy screener he looks so young what's his secret?"), this civility must stop. You need a Twitter nemesis with whom to trade barbs. Step forward Coleen Rooney (@coleenroo). Make a move on Wayne and you two will be fighting in the Twitter lily pond before you know it.
The Joan Collins perspective
When Egypt overthrew Mubarak, you tweeted : "Historical events in Egypt mirror my Land of Pharoahs' [film] when Jack Hawkins played evil despot pharoah & I was Princess Nellifer also a baddie." More please! How do you think the royal wedding will compare with the time Alexis's secret daughter, Amanda, got married to Prince Michael of Moldavia in Dynasty? That looked like a wonderful day (massacre aside).
A big "no-no". It's like standing in a pub shouting: "THAT GEEZER OVER THERE THINKS I'M BRILLIANT!!! EVERYONE AGREE WITH HIM!!!" We all know you're an age-defying, big-haired goddess. We don't need a reminder by Clive in Rotherham. Modestly, darling. Modesty.
Lots of love @scouserachel
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