The noughties boyband has been chosen to represent Britain at the Eurovision Song Contest
Age: Ten, if you ignore the 2005 split. Many, many people did.
Appearance: Quartet of extruded plastic poseable models with a long history of teeth-bleaching.
Oh, I remember them! Well, I have a vague recollection of them. Or possibly Westlife. Or was that Boyzone? I'm very old, you know. Is it the Duncan James or Brian McFadden one? Duncan James. And they'll be representing Britain at this year's Eurovision Song Contest. Whoop whoop!
Oh no ? I must have missed the public vote! How did I do that? It's the highlight of my year. I have a special sequined phone for calling up. No, you didn't. For the first time in the competition's 56-year history, the BBC has done away with the voting system and simply appointed the band as the country's representative.
Whatwhatwhat!? That's not allowed! That's not British! That's not democracy! But it is a done deal. They're singing a self-penned song called I Can.
But I get to vote on everything these days. TV talent contests, sports awards, quiz shows . . . I think I even get a say in how this whole Egypt thing turns out. Well, you don't get a say in this. Apparently the powers that be are fed up with the drubbing we've been getting from our continental friends over the last few years. Josh Dubovie coming last with 10 votes in 2010 was the final straw.
He was robbed! You must have a blessedly selective memory. He was crap.
Whatevs. Surely appointing an established band such as Blue makes us look desperate to win? That's not cool. Even under the Eurovision definition of the term. It does, slightly. Although we have undercut that danger by choosing a band that hasn't noticeably troubled the charts in the last seven years.
And if they don't win, it will be far more humiliating for them than for a newcomer. Their ex-manager has already called it career suicide. It's basically a lose-lose situation. So it's still a very British thing after all.
Do say: "You can!"
Don't say: "Where's Ronan Keating when you need him?"
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