The Hollywood star believes that, according to Mayan prophecy, the world will end in December 2012. But that if he works out enough he will be able to save his loved ones . . .
This week, Lost in Showbiz presents itself to you red-eyed with worry and fatigue. Since we last met, it's been one sleepless night after another, plagued by a mind unable to rest for panicking about the Mayan apocalypse, which, according to some, was predicted by the ancient Mesoamerican civilisation to take place in December 2012.
On the one hand, there's the evidence of a host of Mayanist scholars and archaeological anthropologists, including the curator of Latin American Art and Archaeology at the Florida Museum of Natural History ("We have no knowledge or record that they thought the world would come to an end"); the executive director of the Foundation for the Advancement of Mesoamerican Studies ("A complete fabrication"); Professor David Webster, author of The Fall of Ancient Maya ("There is no evidence the Maya imagined their world would come to an end on this date"); and indeed, latterday Mayan Indian elder Apolinario Chile Pixtun, who suggested that the idea of apocalypse was an entirely western invention and added, rather winningly: "Man, I'm fed up with this stuff."
On the other, of course, there's the plot of the film 2012 and a former personnel manager from Wisconsin called Nancy Lieder, who claims to have had a communication device implanted into her brain by aliens and, as a result, predicts with alarming regularity that we're going to be hit by a hitherto-unknown planet called Niburu. She initially seemed pretty convinced this was going to happen in 2003, when she went on the radio in LA and advised listeners to put down their pets and then eat them ? "dogs make a good meal" ? in anticipation of the Earth's crust slipping and sliding, tidal waves and earthquakes engulfing cities as the skies choke with the screams of the dying etc etc. When this failed to happen, she announced that she'd been deliberately lying in order to fool the establishment. The date of the collision has now been linked with December 2012.
Lost in Showbiz admits it's a tough call. Who to believe? The experts on Mayan civilisation and indeed the Mayans, or a woman with a communication device implanted in her brain by visitors from the planet Zeta Reticuli and a thing about eating dogs? For a mercy, the celebrities have the answer: it's the dog-gobbler every time. George Lucas and Woody Harrelson are apparently worried about imminent apocalypse, as is footballer Emile Heskey. According to his fiancee, Chantelle Tagoe, she and the Aston Villa striker have postponed their wedding, which seems like common-sense. You don't want to spend a load of money booking Floorfillerz mobile disco only to find that his rope lights don't work because the Earth's pole has been destabilised by the magnetism of the planet Niburu and no one can hear Come on Eileen over the sound of the skies choking with the screams of the dying. You don't want to have to abandon your plans for a finger-food buffet at the last minute and rustle up German Shepherd three ways with a fennel gratin.
But at least one apocalypse-wary Hollywood actor has a solution: Ashton Kutcher, who has announced he is undertaking a rigorous body-building programme in preparation. "My physical fitness regime is completely tailored around the end of days," he says. "I stay fit for no other reason than to save the people I care about."
Lost in Showbiz wouldn't pretend to be an expert on apocalypses ? alas, either the communication device implanted into its brain by aliens is on the blink and picking up Magic FM or the latest message from the planet Zeta Reticuli is: "Here's a real classic from Mike And The Mechanics: The Living Years." But the one thing it's fairly sure of is that apocalypses are, generally speaking, quite a big deal. In the event of the rivers turning to wormwood and the seas to fire, locusts with teeth like lions ascending from the abyss under the command of Abbadon The Destroyer and the Whore Of Babylon rocking up on the scarlet beast with the seven heads and 10 horns, it's not 100% certain that the bloke from Dude, Where's My Car? doing some press-ups is going to make much difference.
Besides, Kutcher this week announced that he was unhappy filming sex scenes in his latest film because he was out of shape. Lost in Showbiz doesn't know what to make of this news. Does that mean he's simply given up and admitted that not even daily use of the Wii Fit will enable him to singlehandedly stop the Planet Niburu colliding with the Earth? Or is the apocalypse off? Should we now regard Kutcher's arse as a kind of a fleshy version of the Doomsday Clock? Kutcher's bum looking a bit pudgy: phew. Kutcher with firm, toned buttocks: uh-oh. Look in 30 Minute Suppers and see if Jamie's got any ideas for highland terrier.
LiS can't help but think if Kutcher is serious about single-handedly averting the Mayan apocalypse he might be better off looking for a Mayan solution. It would like to draw his attention to the fact that Mayans believed the best way to regenerate the natural earth was by regularly sticking a barbed rope through your foreskin, baking the resulting blood into bread and distributing it to the people. Come on, Kutcho! Stick a barbed rope through your penis for the good of humanity, then get kneading! Mine's an Ashton Kutcher Penis Blood Bloomer!
jay leno tyra banks david letterman justin bieber kim kardashian
http://2012sungod.blogspot.com/
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